Acceptance: Stop Fighting What You Can’t Control

When faced with no other options, no other solutions, and no way out (either permanently or temporarily), one perspective we can adopt is acceptance. Acceptance is not about artificially liking our situation or putting on a “happy face” when our internal, external world, or both, is not going as planned. Acceptance is not tolerance. Tolerating is holding your nose when taking out the garbage. Acceptance is acknowledging our limits of control and opening to areas we can’t control with a degree of curiosity about our ongoing experience.

Acceptance is a stance in which you can’t fix or eliminate something (i.e., typical problem-solving methods). Acceptance is about acknowledging that this is the way it is to move toward your values and move forward with living. Another term often used as an alternative to acceptance is willingness, or even the phrase, a willingness to have rather than resist. Since, as we know, “Resistance is futile,” or at least so say the Borg (Star Trek reference). 

What are we talking about when identifying areas that we can’t control? Although not an exhaustive list, we can’t exert absolute control over the following: 

-Decisions made by others

-Death

-Time

-Physical discomfort

-Intense thoughts and feelings

-Intrusive memories, urges, images

-Reputation

-Our histories

What can we control? We can control our response to these factors, situations, and realities. We can control what we say and do in the presence of struggle more effectively if we focus on those areas where we can make changes rather than wasting our efforts attempting to control what is outside our reach. If we try to exert control in places we can’t, we often feel defeated, angry, depressed, confused, frustrated, irritated, and anxious.

We may even attempt to control these areas outside our power through temporary measures. For example, we may distract ourselves, resist or try to suppress discomfort, abuse substances, opt out of experiences in which distress arises, fantasize about alternative futures, or reminisce about escaping or avoiding present difficulties. Each of these, when used excessively, does not contribute to long-term vitality and represents a false sense of control, whereby we temporarily experience a sense of relief in the short term yet forfeit long-term values-based actions. Understand that these are normal responses to challenges and make sense as we seek to escape from or avoid distress. Alternatively, practicing willingness or acceptance means we decide how to approach circumstances outside of our control in a way that would make us most proud of ourselves. 

If you want to learn more about practicing acceptance or how acceptance can fit into broader living with more meaning, contact me, Dr. Glenn Sloman, at 321-345-0579 or gsloman@flpsychcenter.com.